The How To Manual of Kazakhstan, Chapter 3

How to Get Pepper
I LOVE pepper and that’s no exaggeration. Here however, in a land of bland, I have been craving it. But I can’t find it! It’s been “missing” in the shops when I ask and there’s not an ounce of it at my host home…so I thought. Then last week I got a nasty cold that had me at home a couple of days and VIOLA! Out comes the pepper! Hurrah! Apparently the only use for pepper here is clearing out the sinuses. I’m just happy to have seasoned food again!

How (not) to Use Electricity
This particular lesson comes from my coworkers (thanks Beth & Sara). First, if you smell something burning, never give up until it’s found. DO NOT go to bed wondering what it might be! In light of that, here are some helpful tips when planning for electrical fires. Do not ever use, cheap, old or skinny extensions. Always, always buy the expensive bulky kinds. Never, ever cover electrical wires with blankets, especially ones made of wool with tendencies towards spontaneous combustion. Use the bathtub for anything on fire. Make sure when placing wires to plan burn holes on dark funky patterned carpets for easy disguising.

How to Buy Electronics
What you need will determine where you go:
AT THE BAZAAR: If you need a cheaper item, say a hair dyer, you can go to the bazaar. After you select your dryer, make sure you have the seller plug it in and let it run for awhile so you know it still works. AND, make sure all the attachments fit. I didn’t do this and now I have a useless spikey thing full of holes that I probably would not have used anyway, but looks impressive when it attaches to the hair dryer and supposedly gives you fabulous curls. But, there’s nothing you can do. No return policies, no guarantees, no questions asked at the bazaar. AT THE FANCY SHOPS: Now, if you’re buying something nicer, such as an electric tea kettle ($50) or a Teflon frying pan ($100), find one of the nicer Solpaks (fancy shops). Inside they look familiar to any westerner. The thing that confounds me is that though the isles are empty of customers, there are literally dozens of people working in one small area. Therefore, if you show an interest in an item, no less than 2 or 3 people will trail you and gesture vaguely towards more expensive items with an air of helpfulness but a very apparent lack of substantial knowledge in product use. In any case, after deciding, point out the item you want to the nearest hovering clerk (don’t touch) who will then direct you to the cash register where they will meet you with your item of choice. Receive and pay for the item and walk directly over to “security” where another clerk and the store security officer will meet you. They will completely unwrap your item and plug it in to test it. They will examine each piece of packaging to ensure that you, the apparent Houdini thief, didn’t slip anything in the box while walking the two steps from the cash register to security. After “verification” the clerk will give you several stamped items. One is your receipt, one your guarantee, one a flyer for a sale, and lastly your product, now in a store bag. Under the careful eyes of security you may now exit the store. Happy shopping!