The How-To Manual of Kazakahstan, Chapter II

So here’s another installment of how-to living in Kazakhstan. I hope you enjoy these helpful life skills and tips.

How to get in the gate (aka How to wake up security). First, ring the bell. Wait and ring it again, and again, and again, and again. If this fails to produce a sleepy face from within, honk your car horn loudly. Honk again and again. Next try to rattle the gate and shout loudly. This of course is futile, but at least you will have tried. Perhaps the guard wakes to the sound of metal on metal instead of annoying buzzing sounds. If still no man appears, use surrounding objects, in an attempt to set off the building alarm. In winter, use snow, aim high, and throw hard. Do this even with the knowledge that it is ineffectual. Fiftly, set off your own car alarm in the hopes that the guard might think it is his own. (Note, this only works if the guard has a car). Finally, call “papa” who is head of security. Make sure to make your voice especially pitiful, helpless, and needy. This works wonders. While waiting for rescue, huddle for warmth, yelling the occasional robust shout in the general direction of the building. Wait five minutes, call papa again to make sure he is on his way.

How to (not) cross the road. For anyone who has lived in a large city, especially a non-American city, this lesson is a no brainer. Look both ways. I even saw a dog do it the other day, no lie! Wait till the road is somewhat clear, make strong eye contact with oncoming cars and walk quickly. One small note from day #4 in KZ is under no circumstances, no matter what is happening or who it is, do NOT follow the person walking in front of you across the street! Always check for yourself. Always, always, always, always. ‘Nuf said.

How to buy meat. Here is a small word to all the vegetarians out there. KZ is not the country for you. I think I have eaten more meat in a week and a half than I did in a month at home! This is not an exaggeration. I crave green (not meat) and a highlight meal this week was the one that included broccoli (frozen and hoarded by my coworkers months ago). Anyway, so here is how to buy meat in KZ. Guys, listen up, this is your job. First, get a friend. Then get another friend with a car. Go to someone's home where they have prepared an animal (probably a goat or sheep). Load the whole, naked, frozen carcass in the car trunk. Try to close trunk. Try again. Decide it won’t close, get in and drive off. Take home to happy lady.